When I was a child, my father was admitted to the hospital as a precaution. He was discharged after about a week, but my mother stayed with him every day in his private hospital room to care for him.
One day, we heard children making noise in the next room. My mother was quite annoyed and said angrily, “How inconsiderate! This is a hospital!” To me, it seemed like my angry mother was making much more noise, but it is true that hospitals are supposed to be quiet.
Just then, a nurse came into my father’s room to provide care. When my mother complained about the noise, the nurse apologized and explained the circumstances of the family in the next room. They seemed to be going through a very difficult time.
My mother’s irritation instantly subsided, and not only that, she began to show concern for the family in the next room. This was despite the fact that just moments before, she had been shouting, “How inconsiderate!” Which one was my real mother? Of course, both were her true selves. The only difference was whether or not she knew the other person’s circumstances and feelings.
“Ignorance” breeds “Lack of understanding” (“Furikai”).
“Lack of understanding” breeds “intolerance”.
“Intolerance” breeds excessive stress, leading to trouble.
While the term “Not understanding” (“Murikai”) is more commonly used in Japanese, I think “Lack of understanding” (“Furikai”) would be more accurate in this context. This is because “Lack of understanding” is not an intentional rejection or lack of empathy.
If someone does something unpleasant to us, it is only natural for us to feel upset. However, knowing why they behaved that way can make it easier for us to tolerate the situation, even if the situation itself doesn’t change. As a result, we become less susceptible to stress. Knowing and understanding the other person benefits them, but it also benefits us. Because we don’t know the other person, we fill in that gap with own interpretations. This is where “Lack of understanding” (“Furikai”) begins.
Defamation and abuse on the Internet have become a social problem, but it is mainly targeted at “people we don’t know”. It is difficult to do such things to people whose thoughts/feelings and circumstances we understand well.
“Knowing” doesn’t mean we pry into the other person’s secrets. It starts with asking about something simple, like “What kind of food do you like?” or “What are your hobbies?” If we try to jump straight into serious topics, both parties will be on guard, making the conversation itself will feel burdensome. As we get to know the other person, deeper conversations will naturally follow.
Nowadays, a growing number of people feel there is no point in spending time with strangers, and they entirely avoid social gatherings. For people who do not enjoy social bonding/connecting with others, it must feel like a torture. However, social interaction is about knowing each other, and it is an opportunity to increase our tolerance and reduce stress. This is especially true for those who must see each other every day.
It is impossible for “the place we are” to always be comfortable. We will not find such a place anywhere, no matter how much we search for it. It is important to increase our tolerance and make an effort to make “the place we are” comfortable.
Knowing is the first step toward understanding. It is one way to practice “Putting Yourself in the Place of Your Partner” [one of the Five Principles of Shinshin Toitsu Aikido].
Translated by Mayumi Case
Edited by David Shaner
Eastern Ki Federation
https://easternkifederation.org/
Original article in Japanese: ｢知る｣ ということ (“Shiru” to iu koto)
December 1, 2025
https://shinichitohei.com/japanese/01-%e3%82%b3%e3%83%a9%e3%83%a0/36784/
